Cannae believe a year has passed..well, almost...

I'm glad I kept this blog though...The entry I left it at was pretty telling. The calm before the storm. Actually that's not really the right metaphor. I was hardly calm...trying desperately to be but definitely not.

I was so confused back then in September. I was suffering anxiety and depression but didn't know it at the time. I had experienced anxiousness before, and to some degree depression, so I thought that I would just snap out of it but I didn't. It spiraled and by October I was a jibbering mess. I got help - really, really tried to get myself well again without medication but finally realised I needed those pills and went on the lowest dose. I started to feel more myself around the beginning of this year and have been off the medication for about a month and a half and feeling good. Actually really good!

Now I want to get back into this blog and what better way than to start with this Nablopomo thing.

fiction

What a great subject to get my teeth into. I'm going to go with the prompt as I'm feeling a bit sluggish and lazy. So my favourite book? It's a hard one for me because - like film, TV shows, music - it changes like the wind. To this question I typically answer:  Slaughterhouse Five and Confederacy of Dunces - also The Passion by Jeannette Winterson and anything by Fay Weldon.. But I feel a bit wrong rattling these off at the moment because I haven't read Slaughterhouse Five in about five years (although I've read it many times), I haven't read The Passion for even longer (and I think if I read it again I'll realise I've outgrown it). I've only read Confederacy of Dunces the once and have been tempted to buy it a couple of times but haven't. I did LOVE it though and actually shed a tear after I finished it knowing the author John Kennedy Toole had committed suicide and wasted all that talent (a very similar tear was shed over Amy Winehouse)

I shall leave it there for now....until the next time when I, hopefully, have something of interest to say!
 

New Lease on Life

I've torn up the old one. THIS is tearing it up right now. RIP! Har, and I guess R.I.P. fits too.

I've deleted some of the previous posts that No. 1 were a little to much information for my huge readership. A little too personal. No. 2. Were big fat downers and a study in obsession. My fears were getting ahead of me and, in this case, I definitely do NOT want to attract what I fear FEARED was going to happen to me. There is absolutely no reasonable reason why my fears would manifest anyway.

So I'm moving onwards and upwards peoples. From this day forth this blog will only feature things I am HAPPY about. I've been feeling quite unlike myself for the last few months, maybe even as long as year. Well, that's not totally true. I have to own up to the fact I've been a worrier pretty much all my life. I'm prone to temper tantrums and crying at the injustice of it all (self pity - not the suffering of others I'm shamed to say) BUT generally day to day I've always been a glass half full person (I'd love to know the origin of that little pearl). I enjoy life. I enjoy the SIMPLE things in life. I have fantastic, meaningful relationships with amazing people. I sing out loud. I smile at people when I walk down the street. Not so much recently. I think I've had a scared, given up vibe going on. People in my life have noticed and just as I've said I've got deep genuine relationships, nobody (apart from Asa and my Mum) know the depths of my despair. Actually, what am I saying - I have spoken to a few good friends about how I'm feeling but I'm also avoiding talking to them so I don't have to tell them about it. I'm ashamed. I'm embarrassed. I thought I was going through a phase but so far, I haven't come out of it.

It could be hormonal. I'm 40 and have had the odd hot flush and right now I am nine days overdue for my period. That has NEVER happened (well, not that I can remember). I'm hoping it's stress that's stopped it and not the stopping of the ol' menses! It's definitely not a bun in the oven - that's one thing I know for sure!
So I have a Doctor's appointment to organise re that and maybe a little talk about a referral to a psychologist.

In the meantime I trying a bit of positive thinking and checking out this 'Law of Attraction' and 'Power of Now' It's time to wipe away my cynic's sneer and....

GO FOR IT! 

Sooooo, stay tuned for some positive energy coming forth from this blog.

A little something that annoys me

Wealthy people bragging about their stuff, I have to say.

I've been getting more annoyed about it. Not that I have anything against wealthy people - just people who brag about it. And I'm not even jealous. Honestly, not one bit. It would be nice to have more money, definitely, but I don't yearn after it and I don't feel bitter or lacking something because we're not 'rich'.

This feeling has come about after this week's My Space. A regular column focusing on a room in some rich person's house in The Age's Sunday supplement Sunday Life. I'm sure I've been aware of the odd exception but generally they are rich, stylish and live in affluent suburbs - and I'm also sure they love the opportunity to brag about their stuff. This week it was Phillipa Grogan of Phillipa's Bakery fame. It was refreshing to see, for a change, that her kitchen was a bit daggy - maybe circa 1990? Large, functional and clean but clearly a bit dated. Anyway, the thing that annoyed me was that Sunday Life were hasty to add that Phillipa was 'currently consulting with architects on redesigning the kitchen'. I don't know it just sounded like it was grovelling to people who care about that kind of stuff.

As I read it I actually said out loud in my exagerated old lady posh voice "Well, I should hope so!"

Dad

I missed Friday's post and was going to give up posting again for a while (too easy) but I had to post again. If only to get rid of that alarming toothy peg picture of Thursday's post fame.

Oh God, I hope no-one thinks that's my mouth. Just to reiterate - It's not ok! It's just some random picture from the periodontitis google image hall of fame. Some old biddy who spits when she talks by the look of it..

So I will go with Friday's prompt as it's bizarrely great timing. I was thinking of my Dad yesterday as my son was talking about his great great grandfather dying of old age on our way walking home from school. Just one of those random out of the blue six year old statements. Well, his grandfather is dead. My Dad died six weeks before Pascal was born so when I think of my father I think of him standing at the kitchen sink the day I told him I was pregnant with his first grandchild. We had only recently found out his cancer was back (it had started with the prostate).  While we were standing at the kitchen bench waiting for the kettle to boil he asked me once again when the baby was due. He was looking down, concentrating on working the dates out - the way you do when you are trying to work out if you are going to be available that day - which I guess he was. He said something like 'yep, I'll be around, definitely.' but he wasn't.

I really miss him and when Pascal was talking about his great grandfather dying I was wondering what he would have called him. I had this sense that they have this relationship which is so strange since they never got to meet. God, they would have LOVED each other so much and he would have been the best grand dad.

Gotta go now.

THE MOMENT
Crying at my laptop

Almost, but didn't, forget

NOW

Phew

Better one tomorrow, swears!

So apt

I am NOW blogging again after months and months of frustrated silence. Ok, that sounds over the top but it is literally true. I've been frustrated and I've been silent in the blogosphere.

The time is NOW!

Oh, for so many things. For writing, for blogging everyday. For listening to my inner voice. The one that is a bit smarter than the idiot at the controls. For getting back in the saddle with Asa.

Please don't tell him I said that as his excitement and expectation will turn me off again.

NOW NOW NOW!

Oh, I think I'll continue on with my 'Twitter Moment' section! Again, very apt for this month's theme..

THE MOMENT:
It's just before midday. Sweeney is sitting at the table with me, eating avocado and cream cheese sandwiches. Actually, make that squashing them and throwing them on the floor but god, looking SO adorable doing it. He is one good looking bebe even if I do say so myself. I am feeling at peace, enjoying IMMENSELY the fact that I am going to be a stay at home mother/writer for another nine months. We do have 'those days' - the ones that make me want to scream (many times folllowing through on that want) BUT today isn't one of them.

Not right now at least, the day is yet young!

Now where was I?

One might be forgiven for thinking that I had found my mojo with this YA novel thang and was productively using every spare moment and am currently right on target with 25,000 words in the bag....maybe.  Such was my enthusiasm in my last few posts.

Well, that 'one' would be wrong. I have tried a couple of times but it's like this cloud of inertia descends as soon as I open that four page (double spaced) document. I start to go with the stream of consciousness thing but then the next thing I know my character has turned into a sullen sociophobe who suddenly finds herself being able to feel what her bitchy friend feels....yeah, messy and stupid. Anyway, I nipped that nonsense in the bud. I realise I want a bit humour. There was hardly any dialogue happening, just all wishy washy feelings and thoughts. I want banter.

I think part of the reason is this little fella:

I utterly adore him but by jove! he is a whinger. If he's not feeding or sleeping, he is generally whinging. It's usually a whine, sometimes there's grunting and other times full on bawling. So I will be at my keyboard, trying to energise myself and my characters out of our respective lethargy, with a background noise of  'heh eh eh weh...oh, how the hell do I know how phoneticise a baby's whinge. Just take it from me, it's highly annoying and sometimes I feel like it acts as some kind of energy syphon. I can feel my inspiration draining away with each 'weh'...until I pick him up and kiss him all over his chubba cheeks...

So yeah, The Novel! Slowly, SLOWLY coming along. I know what I have to do. I have to whip up some kind of synopsis and write some character portraits. Although I deleted about 1000 words (I'm measuring my work by wordcount at the moment, which is probably something that will hopefully change soon) I feel like I've come along much more than if I didn't.

IN OTHER NEWS!

Pascal started school this week!

Pascal and our neighbour Rosie

Pascal was great. There was a moment over breakfast on the first day where his eyes seemed to go all watery and he started to furiously rub them but then maybe I was reading into it and he just had an itchy eye. Then Rosie came over and he was all excited. They are going to different schools (although you wouldn't know it with the almost identical uniform). So far I am very happy with Pascal's school and class. A great group of kids and parents. It's kind of weird to think that we've most likely met some long life friends.

Anyway I am moving dangerously into boring 'mummy blogging' territory. I told myself I would not get into detailing the minutia of daily life (unless I felt it was entertaining or wittily reported) so will leave it there.

There. Done. Back in the saddle of blogging.

I've just this minute decided I will add a little section. I will entitle it The Moment. The Moment will be a twitteresque description of what is happening right now as I type.

THE MOMENT Saturday 6 February 3:19pm

Asa keeps saying "Ok, when are we going to 'All abilities Park'". All Abilities Park is a local park that happens to have one of those big lock in swings for people with disabilities. It is not called All Abilities Park. It is just a weird name that Asa has decided to give it today. He is REALLY annoying me today but that maybe because I have my period.

And because he is WHINGING.

I first heard this driving down Riversdale Road, Hawthorn...actually I wasn't doing much driving as there was a bit of gridlock happening (or would that be not happening?) I can't remember where I was going or what I was doing but it was hot, hot! I had the windows down and enjoying the weather for what it was.

I think it was around 2003? Anyway my timeline is quite crap so I may have to google to find out when the USA invaded Iraq and then when Australia got involved...actually timeline shmineline, doesn't really matter.

Now I'm not a very political person and I rarely put my money where my mouth is (and often beat myself up about it) but this war in Iraq really, really got to me. I am extremely antiwar. I cannot quite believe that we still do it, that we - or the powers that be - haven't evolved enough emotionally, even intellectually and strategically, to see it's not the answer. Well, I've kind of answered my own conundrum up there without realising it..POWERs that be. It's all about power. Ridiculous.

Anyway, so there I was listening to Tough Culture - a now defunct program on RRR, hosted by (I have to say, the very sexy sounding) Jonathan Alley. He was* also obviously very passionate, very left, intelligent and articulate. Jonathan read out a piece by a photojournalist** which described the carnage left by a US bomb in a small cafe and shop lined street in Iraq. Just the images of the everyday juxtiposed with the horror of bombed out buildings, cars, a civilian bus and strewn body parts - Like the hand of a small child found in the green grocers (no sign of the rest of the child, just the hand)  - gave me goosebumps on this sweltering day.

Then he played this piece.***



"Touchingly it was mainly women who did this work"...powerful stuff. Lest we forget.

*Is! Jonathan is still alive and well and on RRR on Saturday evenings (I think)
**I remember the photojournalist's name was Paul so it makes me think it was written by Paul Watson but not 100% sure
***An excerpt from Slaughterhouse 5. An amazing, amazing book which I've read over and over.

Back into it...

I picked up one of my numerous notebooks to take with me on my little shopping jaunt with Sweeney. He's at the age where I can actually have a coffee in reasonable peace so I'm taking full advantage of it.

The idea was to jot down some Genie ideas, get my head in that space again. So I sit down at a quite cafe. Actually, I'll just add at this point, I'm usually a sucker for a trashy mag but I was lucky that they only had a couple of old New Ideas from July. See, I still really try and procrastinate. Always up for a distraction.

After flicking through the old news (and some sad but funny pictures of poor Mischa Barton) I open up my notebook. Oh, what do we have here? Some Genie notes already....from 3 YEARS AGO!

There wasn't much, only a few pages, but I it's actually amazing to see that whole Twilight teenage sexy romance (male from another world (Genie) seducing misfit girl from our world) idea actually existed all those years ago. Here I was, future me in 2009 worried that I was kind of stealing ideas from Twilight but I have proof, PROOF I say! That I'm not a complete rip off queen.*

Not only that, but flicking through the 2006 pages (all five of them) I found the root of the inspiration - A dream I had.  Here t' is:

...was in an apartment block - very old fashioned, maybe from early 20th Century. Filled with feral looking hippies. Young, friendly, good looking but a bit aloof. Invited us to see 'the park'. We went. It was just a normal park, kind of like a nature reserve, then they started circling threateningly.

I can remember this dream quite well actually, I think because I attributed it a song. Which is this:





The above song features on my Genie's 'Soundtrack' (also circa 2006). Some of the other songs are:

Cross Bones Style - Cat Power
Young Bride - Midlake
Voices Carry - Til Tuesday
California Soul - Marlena Shaw
False Flags - Massive Attack
Hours - TV on the Radio

oh, and we mustn't forget the obligatory classical piece:

The Lark Ascending - Vaughn Williams

Ahhh, Music...it is most definitely powerfully inspiring to me. I appreciate all types and most genres (oh, except for metal and most hip hop) but I have to say I can be a bit of a snob. As in I cannot handle most of the commercial vacuous crap out there. Yeah, like I said, I sound a bit snobby don't I? I can't help it!

Anyway, back to what I was saying, as soon as I hear certain songs I immediately envision a scene or story that goes with it. I can remember the first time I did this. It was to this song in 1986!**

Angel Dust - New Order

Oh my God, I'm listening to it right now and just have to tell you the movie I had for it. It's just so bloody hilarious! Basically this unsuspecting western guy picks up an asian girl in Hong Kong. She steals his kidney (!) as you do when you're mixed up with the Triads. Anyway, she falls in love with him and they end up...I don't know...running around the streets of Hong Kong at night time. I seriously used to put the record on (yes, on the turntable) and fantasise this scenario at least once a day for maybe a week or two.

I sound like I was a pretty cool 15 year old hey? You know, liking New Order and stuff but I have to tell you, around the same time, this song would have also made Mandy's top 5!

Suffice to say I think very visually and aurally so, of course, my book will become a film..

With one pretty excellent, moody soundtrack. I guess it would cost a pretty penny for all those rights but I'll let those Weinstein brothers worry about that. Ha!

*A quick fact check tells me Twilight debuted at 2005 but I'm almost 100% sure I only became aware of the whole Twilight thing with the movies.
**Oh, how I'm enjoying this trip down memory lane
***showin' me age!

Already I am back in love

Yep, that's all takes for me. I just have to pick him up and all of a sudden that screaming doesn't make me want to throw something (inanimate!) across the room...

Actually, he has started to do the really cute little wobbly, unco hugging thing when I pick him up...Cute!

BABY!

I love all this mothering the majority of the time but argh! days like these...

Screaming for no reason...he's been at it all morning. Finally, there is break enough for me to have a shower. Under the spray I start to feel myself again. Hey, maybe I'll get that coffee in and I might just try and get back into my writing. Turn off the water and there it is. The screaming.

Far out, what is wrong with that child at the moment? I honestly have not had a moment to do anything...well, I'll get my foot off the exaggerator pedal for a moment there..I did manage to go to the loo this morning.

Better go and pick him up.

Finding my feet

Oh wow, I just updated my editing function so now I can do this which is what I like doing sometimes.

Chastened

I've been feeling lazy and restless all week. I think it's the weather (muggy) more than anything.

Anyway, I woke up today and felt another lazy day coming on. What to do? What to do? So many things but instead I open the laptop and let the www draw me into her spiralling web and tangents.

How the hell did I end up on a site about Cushing's disease for instance?

The inertia was crushing me. Asa was out in the courtyard doing EXACTLY the task he had set himself for the weekend (I have kind of dismissed starsigns as preposterous but that's a Virgo for you) and Sweeney was having a nap so I decide to take Tilly for a walk. Very rare for me these days. Tilly (the Jack Russell) and I used to be the best of chums but then Pascal came along.* She still gets lots of walks but it's Asa who takes her.

Pascal grabs his scooter, I grab the leash and a couple of Nappy Sacks for Tilly's poo and off we go.

So we've had a lovely walk and scooter ride and almost home when Tilly stops and does a couple of her sloppy best on a nature strip. I almost leave it as they are pretty small and, well, I hate carrying the bag home. Actually, it is precisely this duty which makes the whole walking Tilly thing so unnattractive. But I pick it up which is, you know, the law and we continue..

Anyway, walking, walking, we get to a building site where there is a whole lot of rubbish dumped on the overgrown nature strip. I don't think anything of leaving the bag perched on the top of the pile. There are even some other plastic bags there to keep it company. It's sealed tight. It's even odorised.

But I didn't count on Pascal's ethics.

"Mum, that's really naughty what you just did."

"Well, I'm pretty sure someone will come and tidy up all the rubbish and take the bag with it."

"Well, Mum you wouldn't like it if someone left poo on your nature strip. I'll carry it, I don't mind." Yeah, weeeell, the kids got a point..**

So he scoots back, picks it up and scoots towards me with the cutest self riteous grin and a dangling sinister parcel swaying from the handlebars. He actually took it all the way home and as he put it in our outdoor bin he says.

"See Mum, that's what we should do."


This is not our bin.



This one's for you little man...



*Remind me to tell you about our dog Tilly one of these days

**He does have a point. I would hate finding a dog turd on our nature strip no matter how tightly knotted or nicely smelling the bag was HOWEVER I would not mind someone adding to a rubbish pile outside our unoccupied house. And that's the god's honest truth.

The weird and wonderful things found out there in Internerd land

The other day Asa found yet another abomination of nature in the garden. We don't like these. They make us shudder.

I heard him yelling and asked him what was going on.

"Don't worry." he says. "It was just some kind of paper thing. Maybe another alien mushroom or something."











"We come in peace"

"I just put it in the green waste bin." He says.

My skin was already creeping and a crawling but I just had to go out to investigate. Inside, on top of our green waste was a weird grey paper spun into a ball. It didn't look that gross at all. Then I picked it up and the heavy weight filled me with revulsion. I dropped it as it was filled with...gahhh... maggots! Writhing maggots! Argghhhh!!

At first I thought the paper thing must have once been alive or food or whatever, then I realised it was actually a hive of some sort. As my thirst for knowledge conquers all I googled 'wasp maggots' and this made me go What the Fuck?:

















The actual answers were all pretty straight. One person even explained, in great detail, what the maggots (rather larvae) would eat... but surely Queer Ronnie is taking the piss? Surely? It's bloody hilarious!

In the end I poured boiling water on them. As foul as they were I still felt a bit mean.

The Roads

I've noticed that there seem to be many more, shall we say, DICKHEADS on the road these days.

I'm sure I've been one too but this isn't about me today, it's all about them.

For instance, just what is with this race to the red light? This guy today could not handle being second or (oh banish the thought) third car behind. Then there was the guy the other day who was going psycho behind another car who tried to make a right hand turn. Granted there was a big flashing sign saying 'No Right Turn' but, wow, talk about disproportionate rage. He was honking, he was yelling - no - SCREAMING abuse. Farken this, Farken that. Just going absolutely nuts for the ten seconds before the guy infront twigged that he had made a mistake and continued on ahead.










"Give him a break. He obviously had a hard day at the office"

It was a real 'eye opener' as they say. I know I would have been angry if I was behind the guy and I'm sure I have rolled my eyes and muttered 'fucking idiot' many a time but, seriously, this guy's journey home or wherever he was going was impeded for about ten seconds (you know what, it was possibly only five). It was so far far away from worth it, it was ridiculous.

Someone told me once that if we all just calmed down on the road, were courteous and didn't speed etc, the traffic would keep on moving, even in peak hour. But of course, that could be a crock and besides, there are just too many people (including moi) in their own little private car bubbles getting pissed off at the traffic. It'll never work...

To quote Carrie Bradshaw when she was faced with a fellow mental road rager: "Oh, you are just soooo busy!"

FINALLY, a moment

What a bloody week, I tellsya!

I think I'm actually going to write this novel. I really do. Yes, it's because I've had a huge jolt of inspiration and also it's because I feel it. I honestly feel it in my bones that I can do it. Yes, I am inspired by stories of bidding wars and HUGE amounts of money and my characters becoming household names. That is the fantasy. But for the first time, I think it's the story that's driving me. My focus has shifted. While selling the manuscript and publicaton will be fantastic, I have stopped seeing it as the only reward. The reward is going to be the finished manuscript.

I think my mojo has come back bigger and better because this week I almost said buhbye to the whole idea. Since I've started to write more I've become much more protective of my premise and characters*, Genies. There I've said it. I want to write about Genies. Do for Genies what Stephanie Meyers has done for Vampires and, need I even mention the other one.**

So there I was, all inspired, researching Genies on the internerd while experiencing bittersweet flashbacks as I found myself on the sames pages I read all those years ago when I first had this idea.

Only the wikipedia page has been updated since then.

Hmmm, seems like someone called PB Kerr has got there first.

Yep, I did feel a bit shattered. And this is where my younger self, say ten years ago, would have given up. Like I did with my series about a dead couple visiting all their old haunts. I was so excited but ditched it when a British series called Shades showed up on ABC. Heard of it? No? (Trusty wikipedia has) So, as you can see, my biggest competitor - the series that made me give up my dream went...kind of nowhere.

I reminded myself of this, so instead of getting all jealous and contrite I started to reseach PB Kerr and his Children of the Lamp series. The more I read, the better I felt.

I felt even better still when I went out to the local shopping centre and enquired about the books in three different bookshops. In the first shop the girl hadn't even heard of the series and they were out of stock in all three. I found the fifth and most recent book in Myer so bought it. Let's just say that PB Kerr's style is completely different to mine. For one, he seems to be aiming for a younger audience and his style is much lighter and more comical.

Also, his books have been out for four or five years (shit, that's how long I've been sitting on this Genie idea??) and is just one of hundreds of young adult fiction series out there. By saying that I hope it doesn't sound like I'm belittling his achievement. I would be on absolute cloud nine to see my book in print.

Though I have to say I'm happy I can't see the potential for it to be HUGE in the way of Harry Potter et al as then, unfortunately, I would feel jealous and regretful and give up.

As it is, knowing there is a similar idea out there has given me the impetus to explore heavier themes. As has the backlash against Twilight.

This has all happened this week. I shall name it the week of cataclysm.

Page two and counting!

*If you dig in my archives you will see the somewhat embarrassing attempt at hiding my precious idea
**This is my fantasy remember. I don't have any delusions of granduer. Really ;)

Just call me Spaz...

...for spasmodic.

It's actually so nice to shed 'good tears' at the headlines for once.

My heart goes out to you Trishna and Krishna and I look forward to seeing you both grow and thrive.

As for you, Moira Kelly! You are an absolute living angel of a human being. A darling, an inspiration.

A Hot Day...

.....in Melbourne yesterday.



















Introducing two new (and new-ish) heart throbs to the world: Pascal and Sweeney.

Friday 13th

Oh, I haven't really been good with this posting once a day thing. And how easy is it to do?

I could just leave it there and that's today done. There, easy!

But I can't, I can't just leave it there. So many things to comment on, yet brain is going Deeeeeerrrrrrr...

All I can come up with is that I am still thinking about Rebecca James and her J K Rowlingesque success. I'm also happy to add that the green eyed monster who was lurking has been chased away by all this inspiration!

I am proud to say that you alone, Rebecca, are the reason my paragraph has now turned into a whole page. My teenage protagonist has already dropped the F-Bomb, though, so not sure about that....hmmm.

Anyway, that's where I'm off to now. Just popping over to MS word to continue...

Gaaaahhh!

No really! I think it's great. Honestly, I am really very happy for you Rebecca, but it was meant to be me.

Meeeee!!!!

Why do I feel like there was ONE spot in the universe for this and it's been taken?

BooHooo....

No, I'm not going to feel like shit. I am going to be inspired.

And I wasn't being sarcastic up there. I think what has happened for Rebecca James is awesome and she actually looks like she'd be really nice.

But BY FUCK I am jealous.