I'm glad I kept this blog though...The entry I left it at was pretty telling. The calm before the storm. Actually that's not really the right metaphor. I was hardly calm...trying desperately to be but definitely not.
I was so confused back then in September. I was suffering anxiety and depression but didn't know it at the time. I had experienced anxiousness before, and to some degree depression, so I thought that I would just snap out of it but I didn't. It spiraled and by October I was a jibbering mess. I got help - really, really tried to get myself well again without medication but finally realised I needed those pills and went on the lowest dose. I started to feel more myself around the beginning of this year and have been off the medication for about a month and a half and feeling good. Actually really good!
Now I want to get back into this blog and what better way than to start with this Nablopomo thing.
fiction
What a great subject to get my teeth into. I'm going to go with the prompt as I'm feeling a bit sluggish and lazy. So my favourite book? It's a hard one for me because - like film, TV shows, music - it changes like the wind. To this question I typically answer: Slaughterhouse Five and Confederacy of Dunces - also The Passion by Jeannette Winterson and anything by Fay Weldon.. But I feel a bit wrong rattling these off at the moment because I haven't read Slaughterhouse Five in about five years (although I've read it many times), I haven't read The Passion for even longer (and I think if I read it again I'll realise I've outgrown it). I've only read Confederacy of Dunces the once and have been tempted to buy it a couple of times but haven't. I did LOVE it though and actually shed a tear after I finished it knowing the author John Kennedy Toole had committed suicide and wasted all that talent (a very similar tear was shed over Amy Winehouse)
I shall leave it there for now....until the next time when I, hopefully, have something of interest to say!
Monday, August 1, 2011
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
New Lease on Life
I've torn up the old one. THIS is tearing it up right now. RIP! Har, and I guess R.I.P. fits too.
I've deleted some of the previous posts that No. 1 were a little to much information for my huge readership. A little too personal. No. 2. Were big fat downers and a study in obsession. My fears were getting ahead of me and, in this case, I definitely do NOT want to attract what Ifear FEARED was going to happen to me. There is absolutely no reasonable reason why my fears would manifest anyway.
So I'm moving onwards and upwards peoples. From this day forth this blog will only feature things I am HAPPY about. I've been feeling quite unlike myself for the last few months, maybe even as long as year. Well, that's not totally true. I have to own up to the fact I've been a worrier pretty much all my life. I'm prone to temper tantrums and crying at the injustice of it all (self pity - not the suffering of others I'm shamed to say) BUT generally day to day I've always been a glass half full person (I'd love to know the origin of that little pearl). I enjoy life. I enjoy the SIMPLE things in life. I have fantastic, meaningful relationships with amazing people. I sing out loud. I smile at people when I walk down the street. Not so much recently. I think I've had a scared, given up vibe going on. People in my life have noticed and just as I've said I've got deep genuine relationships, nobody (apart from Asa and my Mum) know the depths of my despair. Actually, what am I saying - I have spoken to a few good friends about how I'm feeling but I'm also avoiding talking to them so I don't have to tell them about it. I'm ashamed. I'm embarrassed. I thought I was going through a phase but so far, I haven't come out of it.
It could be hormonal. I'm 40 and have had the odd hot flush and right now I am nine days overdue for my period. That has NEVER happened (well, not that I can remember). I'm hoping it's stress that's stopped it and not the stopping of the ol' menses! It's definitely not a bun in the oven - that's one thing I know for sure!
So I have a Doctor's appointment to organise re that and maybe a little talk about a referral to a psychologist.
In the meantime I trying a bit of positive thinking and checking out this 'Law of Attraction' and 'Power of Now' It's time to wipe away my cynic's sneer and....
Sooooo, stay tuned for some positive energy coming forth from this blog.
I've deleted some of the previous posts that No. 1 were a little to much information for my huge readership. A little too personal. No. 2. Were big fat downers and a study in obsession. My fears were getting ahead of me and, in this case, I definitely do NOT want to attract what I
So I'm moving onwards and upwards peoples. From this day forth this blog will only feature things I am HAPPY about. I've been feeling quite unlike myself for the last few months, maybe even as long as year. Well, that's not totally true. I have to own up to the fact I've been a worrier pretty much all my life. I'm prone to temper tantrums and crying at the injustice of it all (self pity - not the suffering of others I'm shamed to say) BUT generally day to day I've always been a glass half full person (I'd love to know the origin of that little pearl). I enjoy life. I enjoy the SIMPLE things in life. I have fantastic, meaningful relationships with amazing people. I sing out loud. I smile at people when I walk down the street. Not so much recently. I think I've had a scared, given up vibe going on. People in my life have noticed and just as I've said I've got deep genuine relationships, nobody (apart from Asa and my Mum) know the depths of my despair. Actually, what am I saying - I have spoken to a few good friends about how I'm feeling but I'm also avoiding talking to them so I don't have to tell them about it. I'm ashamed. I'm embarrassed. I thought I was going through a phase but so far, I haven't come out of it.
It could be hormonal. I'm 40 and have had the odd hot flush and right now I am nine days overdue for my period. That has NEVER happened (well, not that I can remember). I'm hoping it's stress that's stopped it and not the stopping of the ol' menses! It's definitely not a bun in the oven - that's one thing I know for sure!
So I have a Doctor's appointment to organise re that and maybe a little talk about a referral to a psychologist.
In the meantime I trying a bit of positive thinking and checking out this 'Law of Attraction' and 'Power of Now' It's time to wipe away my cynic's sneer and....
GO FOR IT!
Sooooo, stay tuned for some positive energy coming forth from this blog.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
A little something that annoys me
Wealthy people bragging about their stuff, I have to say.
I've been getting more annoyed about it. Not that I have anything against wealthy people - just people who brag about it. And I'm not even jealous. Honestly, not one bit. It would be nice to have more money, definitely, but I don't yearn after it and I don't feel bitter or lacking something because we're not 'rich'.
This feeling has come about after this week's My Space. A regular column focusing on a room in some rich person's house in The Age's Sunday supplement Sunday Life. I'm sure I've been aware of the odd exception but generally they are rich, stylish and live in affluent suburbs - and I'm also sure they love the opportunity to brag about their stuff. This week it was Phillipa Grogan of Phillipa's Bakery fame. It was refreshing to see, for a change, that her kitchen was a bit daggy - maybe circa 1990? Large, functional and clean but clearly a bit dated. Anyway, the thing that annoyed me was that Sunday Life were hasty to add that Phillipa was 'currently consulting with architects on redesigning the kitchen'. I don't know it just sounded like it was grovelling to people who care about that kind of stuff.
As I read it I actually said out loud in my exagerated old lady posh voice "Well, I should hope so!"
I've been getting more annoyed about it. Not that I have anything against wealthy people - just people who brag about it. And I'm not even jealous. Honestly, not one bit. It would be nice to have more money, definitely, but I don't yearn after it and I don't feel bitter or lacking something because we're not 'rich'.
This feeling has come about after this week's My Space. A regular column focusing on a room in some rich person's house in The Age's Sunday supplement Sunday Life. I'm sure I've been aware of the odd exception but generally they are rich, stylish and live in affluent suburbs - and I'm also sure they love the opportunity to brag about their stuff. This week it was Phillipa Grogan of Phillipa's Bakery fame. It was refreshing to see, for a change, that her kitchen was a bit daggy - maybe circa 1990? Large, functional and clean but clearly a bit dated. Anyway, the thing that annoyed me was that Sunday Life were hasty to add that Phillipa was 'currently consulting with architects on redesigning the kitchen'. I don't know it just sounded like it was grovelling to people who care about that kind of stuff.
As I read it I actually said out loud in my exagerated old lady posh voice "Well, I should hope so!"
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Dad
I missed Friday's post and was going to give up posting again for a while (too easy) but I had to post again. If only to get rid of that alarming toothy peg picture of Thursday's post fame.
Oh God, I hope no-one thinks that's my mouth. Just to reiterate - It's not ok! It's just some random picture from the periodontitis google image hall of fame. Some old biddy who spits when she talks by the look of it..
So I will go with Friday's prompt as it's bizarrely great timing. I was thinking of my Dad yesterday as my son was talking about his great great grandfather dying of old age on our way walking home from school. Just one of those random out of the blue six year old statements. Well, his grandfather is dead. My Dad died six weeks before Pascal was born so when I think of my father I think of him standing at the kitchen sink the day I told him I was pregnant with his first grandchild. We had only recently found out his cancer was back (it had started with the prostate). While we were standing at the kitchen bench waiting for the kettle to boil he asked me once again when the baby was due. He was looking down, concentrating on working the dates out - the way you do when you are trying to work out if you are going to be available that day - which I guess he was. He said something like 'yep, I'll be around, definitely.' but he wasn't.
I really miss him and when Pascal was talking about his great grandfather dying I was wondering what he would have called him. I had this sense that they have this relationship which is so strange since they never got to meet. God, they would have LOVED each other so much and he would have been the best grand dad.
Gotta go now.
THE MOMENT
Crying at my laptop
Oh God, I hope no-one thinks that's my mouth. Just to reiterate - It's not ok! It's just some random picture from the periodontitis google image hall of fame. Some old biddy who spits when she talks by the look of it..
So I will go with Friday's prompt as it's bizarrely great timing. I was thinking of my Dad yesterday as my son was talking about his great great grandfather dying of old age on our way walking home from school. Just one of those random out of the blue six year old statements. Well, his grandfather is dead. My Dad died six weeks before Pascal was born so when I think of my father I think of him standing at the kitchen sink the day I told him I was pregnant with his first grandchild. We had only recently found out his cancer was back (it had started with the prostate). While we were standing at the kitchen bench waiting for the kettle to boil he asked me once again when the baby was due. He was looking down, concentrating on working the dates out - the way you do when you are trying to work out if you are going to be available that day - which I guess he was. He said something like 'yep, I'll be around, definitely.' but he wasn't.
I really miss him and when Pascal was talking about his great grandfather dying I was wondering what he would have called him. I had this sense that they have this relationship which is so strange since they never got to meet. God, they would have LOVED each other so much and he would have been the best grand dad.
Gotta go now.
THE MOMENT
Crying at my laptop
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
So apt
I am NOW blogging again after months and months of frustrated silence. Ok, that sounds over the top but it is literally true. I've been frustrated and I've been silent in the blogosphere.
The time is NOW!
Oh, for so many things. For writing, for blogging everyday. For listening to my inner voice. The one that is a bit smarter than the idiot at the controls. For getting back in the saddle with Asa.
Please don't tell him I said that as his excitement and expectation will turn me off again.
NOW NOW NOW!
Oh, I think I'll continue on with my 'Twitter Moment' section! Again, very apt for this month's theme..
THE MOMENT:
It's just before midday. Sweeney is sitting at the table with me, eating avocado and cream cheese sandwiches. Actually, make that squashing them and throwing them on the floor but god, looking SO adorable doing it. He is one good looking bebe even if I do say so myself. I am feeling at peace, enjoying IMMENSELY the fact that I am going to be a stay at home mother/writer for another nine months. We do have 'those days' - the ones that make me want to scream (many times folllowing through on that want) BUT today isn't one of them.
Not right now at least, the day is yet young!
The time is NOW!
Oh, for so many things. For writing, for blogging everyday. For listening to my inner voice. The one that is a bit smarter than the idiot at the controls. For getting back in the saddle with Asa.
Please don't tell him I said that as his excitement and expectation will turn me off again.
NOW NOW NOW!
Oh, I think I'll continue on with my 'Twitter Moment' section! Again, very apt for this month's theme..
THE MOMENT:
It's just before midday. Sweeney is sitting at the table with me, eating avocado and cream cheese sandwiches. Actually, make that squashing them and throwing them on the floor but god, looking SO adorable doing it. He is one good looking bebe even if I do say so myself. I am feeling at peace, enjoying IMMENSELY the fact that I am going to be a stay at home mother/writer for another nine months. We do have 'those days' - the ones that make me want to scream (many times folllowing through on that want) BUT today isn't one of them.
Not right now at least, the day is yet young!
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Now where was I?
One might be forgiven for thinking that I had found my mojo with this YA novel thang and was productively using every spare moment and am currently right on target with 25,000 words in the bag....maybe. Such was my enthusiasm in my last few posts.
Well, that 'one' would be wrong. I have tried a couple of times but it's like this cloud of inertia descends as soon as I open that four page (double spaced) document. I start to go with the stream of consciousness thing but then the next thing I know my character has turned into a sullen sociophobe who suddenly finds herself being able to feel what her bitchy friend feels....yeah, messy and stupid. Anyway, I nipped that nonsense in the bud. I realise I want a bit humour. There was hardly any dialogue happening, just all wishy washy feelings and thoughts. I want banter.
I think part of the reason is this little fella:
Well, that 'one' would be wrong. I have tried a couple of times but it's like this cloud of inertia descends as soon as I open that four page (double spaced) document. I start to go with the stream of consciousness thing but then the next thing I know my character has turned into a sullen sociophobe who suddenly finds herself being able to feel what her bitchy friend feels....yeah, messy and stupid. Anyway, I nipped that nonsense in the bud. I realise I want a bit humour. There was hardly any dialogue happening, just all wishy washy feelings and thoughts. I want banter.
I think part of the reason is this little fella:
I utterly adore him but by jove! he is a whinger. If he's not feeding or sleeping, he is generally whinging. It's usually a whine, sometimes there's grunting and other times full on bawling. So I will be at my keyboard, trying to energise myself and my characters out of our respective lethargy, with a background noise of 'heh eh eh weh...oh, how the hell do I know how phoneticise a baby's whinge. Just take it from me, it's highly annoying and sometimes I feel like it acts as some kind of energy syphon. I can feel my inspiration draining away with each 'weh'...until I pick him up and kiss him all over his chubba cheeks...
So yeah, The Novel! Slowly, SLOWLY coming along. I know what I have to do. I have to whip up some kind of synopsis and write some character portraits. Although I deleted about 1000 words (I'm measuring my work by wordcount at the moment, which is probably something that will hopefully change soon) I feel like I've come along much more than if I didn't.
IN OTHER NEWS!
Pascal started school this week!
Pascal and our neighbour Rosie
Pascal was great. There was a moment over breakfast on the first day where his eyes seemed to go all watery and he started to furiously rub them but then maybe I was reading into it and he just had an itchy eye. Then Rosie came over and he was all excited. They are going to different schools (although you wouldn't know it with the almost identical uniform). So far I am very happy with Pascal's school and class. A great group of kids and parents. It's kind of weird to think that we've most likely met some long life friends.
Anyway I am moving dangerously into boring 'mummy blogging' territory. I told myself I would not get into detailing the minutia of daily life (unless I felt it was entertaining or wittily reported) so will leave it there.
There. Done. Back in the saddle of blogging.
I've just this minute decided I will add a little section. I will entitle it The Moment. The Moment will be a twitteresque description of what is happening right now as I type.
THE MOMENT Saturday 6 February 3:19pm
Asa keeps saying "Ok, when are we going to 'All abilities Park'". All Abilities Park is a local park that happens to have one of those big lock in swings for people with disabilities. It is not called All Abilities Park. It is just a weird name that Asa has decided to give it today. He is REALLY annoying me today but that maybe because I have my period.
And because he is WHINGING.
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